and she wishes she was a dancer, and that she'd never heard of cancer...

Today is one of those days when I can't help but think about how incredibly scary this thing is. As I mentioned in the last post, one thing about Triple Negative Breast Cancer is that there are no drugs that can help you prevent recurrence like other types of breast cancers. Once you finish chemo, you just have to hope and pray that the chemo did it's thing.

I'm trying to do everything I can to limit toxins in my life. Better diet, organic foods, little to no sugar and alcohol. I am already getting overwhelmed. Right now I'm just trying to find foods that don't want to make me vom, or make my throat catch on fire. Trying to also get your nutrients in is a whole other challenge. Oh, also I'm too tired to go to the grocery store. Is there a handbook for this? Oh yeah, there are about a million, but really what I need is a personal chef/shopper and life coach.

Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to my playlist, and the song that Connor and I danced to after the wedding and before our grand exit just came on. I immediately started thinking about the promise of that time. Of the life we were starting together. Of the relief of finally getting to just be together without driving back and forth between Dallas and Fort Worth. Of being done with wedding planning. Of figuring out how to be married to each other. Ugly cry.

Seems like I always hear how hard the first year of marriage is... but it really wasn't for us. At least for me, it wasn't. Was it hard for you, Connor? This is the hard part. I hate this feeling of unshakeable guilt. That I somehow messed everything up. All of our plans. I know it's not "my fault" but I can't help but think how I wish things were normal...

Here are my prayer requests for today and always:

1. Pray for my mind to relax and not be constantly thinking about what I'm up against.
2. Pray that the chemo COMPLETELY knocks this thing out.
3. Pray that this cancer will not recur somewhere else in my body.

Ok tangent... I wrote all of the above separately, and now I just need to take a minute to say something about the incredible power of kind words from kind people. As I was wrapping up this blog post, I got an alert on my phone saying I had a new facebook message. It was from my middle school librarian, Mrs. Sessler. She found my blog through my mom, who also works in the Grand Prairie libraries.

The note Mrs. Sessler wrote was exactly what I needed to hear today. She told me how she survived ovarian cancer after being diagnosed the year after she got married. She reminded me how important attitude is, and to think about surviving, not being scared. Gosh, I feel like a million percent better right now. Here's to the future! And to taking what life gives you and making the absolute best of it!!

Love y'all,
Jess